Ziwen's Guide to Zombie Survival ver.2.0

*Available and Usable for KL Residence and Klang Valley areas only*
*This is not a serious post.*

It doesn't matter where you run or hide.
If there is the living, there is always the dead.
Imagine, for just one day. If the streets are crawling with zombies, you and/or your friends are the only survivors.
Maybe this guide will be a little bit of help.

Before we start, I need to brainwash you. Yep, throw away your current definitions for the walking dead especially the one in the current movies.

So, if your definition of zombie is depicted as freakishly fast or nimble. Scrap it.
If it talks or it knows how to turn the door knob. Forget it.
If it does have the ability to think. Scrap it.
So, Zombies from games like RE 4 and RE 5 is out.

This my friend, is a Zombie


1) Limping ankle. Yep, this is why Zombies can't run in the later stage. So, they limp. Never underestimate it's speed when it is on an early stage.

2) Busted knee. This is why zombie can't walk properly. They're disoriented.

3) Injured hands. Zombies never feel pain because they are dead. So, stay out of it's reach. Once it grabs you. It's bye bye.

4) White eye. Good news and Bad news. Good news is they can't see. Bad news, they can smell, they have extra sensitive hearings and they can sense body heat cause they are cold. Physics. heat transfer.

5) Super strong fingers. Did you know, if humans did not have a sense of touch it will make them super strong? I mean really, humans hold back 80 % of their strength because they are afraid. Now you know, if one of it grabs you and lands a bite......sign up for Adam's family.

Overall, most zombies have blood all over their mouth and shirts, disoriented necks and pale skin.

Now you know, how they look like....so the next step. Weapons.

Weapons.

Anything shorter than half of your arm is not advisable.
Kitchen knives are a big no no. Who are you going to hurt? A burglar? Bring them to cut something though.
Sticks, planks, steering locker and swords are good weapons.
And not to mention a flip chair.
Can sit and beat up someone depending on the situation. How convenient.
You don't have guns in Boleh-land. So...if you have one. Cherish it.
Guns are for desperate measurements. Sounds attracts them. Fire them only if you need to.
You don't need your car. Take out the batteries and run for it.
Aerosol is good.
Cooking oil is good. Pour it to the floor and watch the zombie falls one by one.
and stay calm. Loosen your head or lose your head. Choose.
* it is best not to engage them. Fleeing is always the best option.*

Types of Zombies you will find in MY-land

Lala-Zombies (Lazies)

If the apocalypse has gone for more than 3 days.
Sungei Wang and Times Square are crawling LaLa- zombies. Please don't get bitten.
The infected will have their hair change into extraordinary colors.
Their greatest fear is water and hair-shaver. Yes, the barber's personal friends. If they start attacking you. Turn on the shaver as they will stunned by the sound.
Do take note. The more colors they have, the more vain they are. This is the most pathetic types of zombies you will ever meet and without a doubt the most good looking ( depends on your taste)
*Gosh, they are even more annoying when they dead.*

Mata-zombies.

Instead of for the other zombie standard line, "brains...."
Theirs are "kopi....kopi..."
And you still think coins are useless in an Apocalypse!
Dropped a few coins and laugh your ass off as they can never touch their feet with their hands.
Cabut after that.

Rempit-Zombies. (RemRemzies)

Weird kinda zombie that resembles our MatRempit. With helmets on. And an ekzos pipe stuck on their bodies or any other significant motor parts.
Nothing special though. They still hanging out on KLCC and highways alot. On foot.

Lepak-Zombies

You will meet them normally wandering around the backdoor,the stairs, and the parking lot of a nearby supermarket. They don't any harm though. They socialize with their kind alot.
Just don't go piss them off. If you are walking down the stairs and stumble upon them. Take another route. If you get bit by them...nothing much really you just sit and socialize with them, thats all.

I found out that classicals music like Mozart, Beethoven, and etc. will chased them away. Coincidence?

Mamak-Zombies (Mamakbies)

If you ever see flour near the area never go there cause one of them should be waiting.
There are 2 types of Mamak-Zombies. The Teh-Tarik Zombie which it runs around and drinking teh-tarik. Roti- Zombie which they feed on flour more than human flesh. Baked flour are their favorites.

So if you get bitten, you will have symptopms like dark skins, craving for roti-canai, wants to drink teh-tarik. This post is getting more ridiculous. =_=
They are vegeterian. So, save your ammos.

PS. Do not ever steal their food and drinks. They will chase after you and make you into one of them.

DOTA- ZOMBIEs (Zotabies)

They lurks around CC area. If you are hiding in a cyber-cafe beware of this entity. They doesn't do much though. They just sit and DOTA with other DOTA Zombies.
Interesting enough, the dead plays better than living players. Maybe because they don't curse like a normal human does. Ethics of players. It doesn't matter anymore if you are dead.

They just need to dota. If you see they crawling around and starts to bite you, turn on the PC.
Then they will slowly walk towards the computer. A very complex type of zombies.

Discount-Zombies (Dizbies)

Mostly being seen during Mega -Sales period. These zombies walks faster than any other zombies. Most of them are females when they are alive. They behave like a normal human when there are special promotion. The more greater the promotion, the more faster and stronger they will get. If you walk into them without any price tag on your body. They will not hesitate to turn you into them. GG.

PS. They will not show any interest if you are expensive. Just take a price tag and tag yourself.

This the last one, good job on making this far. With all the wackiness around, I do not think you can tell anything anymore. SO might as well beware of.

I-Am-Not-A-Zombie (human)
They are definately not you everday zombies. But, they can be hostile or harmless, depending on which type you met. If they are hostile, kill them. If they are harmless, team-up with them at least you provide more target for the zombies to chew on.

This is the most ridicilous yet most enjoyable post I have ever written